By President Barack Obama

As we near the summer before an election season, Michelle and I want to remind our fellow Americans how committed we are to stopping the spread of childhood and adult obesity. It is important to remember, that no food tastes as good as being thin feels, although to be honest, if I had to pick between being thin and being president, I’d take president. 

One of the best feelings in the world is being able to walk along a beach shirtless, knowing you can feel confident in your body, but it’s also pretty great knowing at any moment, you could give the word to invade beaches all around the world. Actually it’s way better. To clarify what I said earlier, nothing tastes as good as international dominance feels.

Starting a healthy lifestyle when you’re young will set the tone for a long life ahead. Every American deserves time with their grandchildren. Some Americans deserve to be staring up at their grandchildren from a novelty coin. I mean even if I died of cardiac arrest I’d still have the novelty coin, but I digress.

If every American makes the choice to forego the fatty French fries for something like delicious stuffed peppers that either your wife or a whole cadre of the world’s top chefs prepare for you, our health costs could go down by millions per year.  We need to offer our help, not our shame, to overweight Americans everywhere. Not that some of them need it. Like William Howard Taft. That guy didn’t need anyone.